Why Am I Always Putting Others First?

Do you find yourself constantly saying “yes” when you want to say “no”? Do you worry about disappointing others, even at the expense of your own needs? If you feel exhausted from always putting everyone else first, you may be struggling with people-pleasing tendencies, and you’re not alone. Many adults come to therapy in Ontario feeling emotionally drained, resentful, or confused about why their relationships feel so one-sided. At Family Therapy, I help clients explore the roots of people-pleasing, reconnect with their authentic voice, and begin to set healthy boundaries.

What Is People-Pleasing—and Why Do We Do It?

People-pleasing isn’t just about being kind or helpful. It often stems from deeper emotional patterns rooted in childhood experiences, relational trauma, or a fear of rejection. Somewhere along the way, you may have learned that being “easygoing,” agreeable, or self-sacrificing kept the peace, earned approval from your parents, school teachers, or other adults, and led to less conflict with your siblings or even coworkers. While kindness and generosity are positive traits, chronic people-pleasing can lead to burnout, resentment, anxiety, and difficulty forming authentic relationships. Constantly trying to meet others’ needs can lead to burnout, anxiety, low self-worth, and a loss of identity. You are always putting everyone else’s needs before yours, keeping silent about what you want, or you feel you cannot say NO or ask for your own needs to be met.

Where does People-pleasing come from?

People-pleasing often begins in your childhood, particularly in environments where love or approval felt conditional or was based on your performance or behaviours. Adults in your life may have placed expectations on you to be a certain way or behave a certain way in order to get their approval or love. This can lead to a you developing beliefs that being liked or being accepted or loved depends on YOU meeting others’ expectations. Fear of abandonment or rejection also plays a significant role when it comes to people-pleasing. You learn to prioritize others’ needs to avoid disapproval, rejection or being excluded from the group. People-pleasing can also develop as a coping mechanism in response to trauma or within codependent relationships, where self-worth becomes tied to caring for others. Cultural and gender norms further reinforce this pattern, especially with messages like “always be nice” or “keep the peace,” “why do you have to be difficult” or comparisons with others whom your parents or other adults say as being “perfect children” to which can discourage you from setting healthy boundaries or expressing your needs.

Signs You Might Be a Chronic People-Pleaser:

Are you a People-Pleaser and you just can’t stop?

• Does your sense of worth feel tied to how others perceive you or whether they’re happy with you?
• Would you rather stay silent or agree with someone than risk tension or disagreement?
• Do you agree to things out of guilt or fear of letting others down, even if it comes at a personal cost?
• Do you feel you need to fix everything, especially if someone is upset?
• Do you put others first so often that you lose touch with what you really want or need?
• Do you feel resentful or burnt out and just want to push everyone away because you are so exhausted?
• Do you struggle to say “no,” even when you’re overwhelmed
• Do you feel guilty prioritizing your own needs
• Do you over-apologize or fear upsetting others?

If this sounds familiar, you’re not flawed—you’re human. And your desire to feel safe and accepted makes perfect sense especially if you were raised in a family that did not have healthy boundaries and where love or approval felt conditional.

Therapy for People-Pleasing

The good news is that talk therapy can help. Through individual therapy, you can explore the emotional origins of your people-pleasing patterns. Together, we gently uncover the beliefs and fears driving this behaviour—and begin to build new, more empowering ways of relating to yourself and others. Whether it’s childhood conditioning, trauma, attachment wounds, or low self-worth, understanding where it comes from is the first step toward healing. Therapy helps you recognize when and why you automatically choose to do people-pleasing behaviours. With greater awareness, you can start catching yourself in the moment and making more intentional choices that work for you.

In our work, you’ll learn to:

• The root cause of your people-pleasing behaviours
• Challenge internalized beliefs around your sense of worth and approval
• Become more aware when you engage in automatic people-pleasing behaviours
• Connecting with your values and identity, your needs, and your voice
• Learn how to say “no” without feeling guilty
• Positive ways to set limits with kindness and clarity
• Learn to treat yourself with the same care and understanding you so freely give others
• Create healthy ,positive relationships that are mutual, not one-sided and maybe say goodbye to unhealthy relationships

Ready to Start Prioritizing You?

At Family Therapy, our compassionate team of psychotherapists offers both online and in-person counselling for adults across Ontario. Whether you’re feeling stuck in patterns of people-pleasing or simply want to reconnect with what truly matters to you, we’re here to help in a safe, supportive, and non-judgmental space. Leah, Matthew, and Rupal are all currently accepting new clients, and we’d be honoured to walk alongside you as you begin this journey. If you’re ready to let go of the pressure to always please others and start building a life that feels authentic, empowered, and true to you, we’d love to support you.

Reach out today to schedule a free 20 minutes consultation with Leah, Matthew, and Rupal to learn more about therapy for people-pleasing tendencies. We’re just a phone call away.