On Again Off Again Relationships – Why Am I Here?

Nataxja Cini is speaking with Melissa Lamb of CTV Ottawa Morning Live about On-Again Off-Again Relationships and why they occur.

You’ve broken off with your Ex again but something keeps pulling the two of you back together again. What makes it so tempting to reconnect even though the same problem keeps coming up? Things get better for a while and then bam you’re in the same negative destructive cycle again. Don’t think that you’re alone.  Up to 60% of couples do date their Ex again not once but sometimes even 2 or 3 or 4 times! What keeps pulling you back in again into this on again off again relationship?

For some people, the allure of rekindling a broken relationship is the ease in which we can fall back into an on again off again relationship without that much hard work. This happens not just to teens in high school romances but also to a couple in university in college and even later on in life. For some people, it’s easier to in an imperfect relationship than be on their own and risk feeling lonely. We are so used to being with other people. For some people, the thought of being on our own and having to entertain ourselves and make ourselves happy is too much. With this being said, there is nothing wrong with being alone, especially if it just to help you get things back on track or spend time learning more about yourself. We need to learn how to be comfortable with the loneliness of being single.

Social media makes access to our EXs so easily available. Social media might suggest the two of you connect or his or her name may pop up on your news feed. It’s too easy to cyber watch you Ex on your cell phone or computer: checking their status, seeing what they have planned for the weekend or summer vacation, who they are with or where they are right now via the internet. And no one will know that you are still watching but you. Also, it’s so much less embarrassing to send a text message or quick email professing your loneliness or need to reconnect than actually phoning up or speaking in person.

Keeping an eye on your EX via social media may be a sign that you are still emotionally attached to your Ex and are still in the heartbreak stage of the breakup. Maybe you haven’t mourned the loss of the relationship or grieved the death of this relationship. Being emotionally attached to your Ex months after the break up can be a sign that it’s time for you to seek professional help from a psychologist or a social worker.

If you find yourself returning and recycling old relationships maybe it’s time to spend some time in reflecting what keeps pulling you back into on again off again relationships? Do you have the need to fix someone and feel you are the only person who can “cure” your Ex of his or her problems? Do you have trouble connecting with others and being with a partner gives you a filled life? Does being in a relationship make you feel “whole” and you can’t seem to feel good about yourself when you’re on your own?

Sometimes we find it difficult to be on our own and don’t know how to care for ourselves. Think of t this way, many people find it difficult to cook just for themselves because they don’t want to bother. Being on your won involves you have to love yourself enough that you feel worthy of making the effort to care and love yourself. This can be a hard task because we are so trained to think that putting ourselves first means we are selfish.

Quick Tips to Help you Stay Away from Your EX

1) Accept that you will think about your ex in the hours, days, weeks months after your break up

Thinking about your Ex is normal. Constantly checking your phone for text messages is not. Calling or texting your ex won’t help you move on. Remove him or her from your news feed.

2) Have some self control

Don’t start Google, Facebook, Instagram stalk your EX. Don’t start asking your friends or your kids what your EX is doing or who she or he is seeing. Yes, you will feel weak and lonely. Yes, it’s weird not to know what your Ex is doing every minute of their life because you used to know when you were dating. But you’re not dating anymore. Don’t start calling or texting her or him that you miss them. Tell your friends how painful the break-up. Turn off your cell phone so you don’t think to call or text at 2 am when you can’t sleep.

3) Focus on the healing.

This is the time to sit with your uncomfortable feelings. to take the time to examine your life your goals, your dreams, and your needs. While it might not feel so good at first, now you can focus on your own personal growth.

Allow yourself to mourn and grieve the loss of this relationship. Jumping back in prevents you from reflecting on your life and your needs. And this stops you from growing up!

4) Time to call on your buddies to support you

Ask your friends for moral support and help. Call them first if you are tempted to drive by your Ex’s home, call your Ex up or rekindle a dying relationship.

5) Keep yourself busy

Now that you have all this free time to indulge in yourself, what do you want to do? Yes, I know you are sad and miserable at first and these feelings will not last forever. It is important to enjoy being with yourself and learning what you like to do. What activities do you enjoy? Take the time to hang out with your friends, call your relatives, and do the things you want to do. Not everyone has top be going out all the time. You can spend time at home too, doing what you enjoy.