Pre Wedding Jitters
You’ve bought the dress, booked the reception, planned the honeymoon, and sent the invitations. And now you’re unsure she or he is the ONE? Feeling sick to your stomach or feeling anxious? Does the sight of the dress fill you with dread? Feeling like you may have made a mistake saying “yes” or proposing to your loved one was too early? If you answered yes, you are experiencing pre wedding jitters. This is your mind telling you that something is not quit right and you need to listen. It’s time to slow down and ask yourself why you feel this way – what are your warning signs? Are these just normal pre wedding jitters or are there real issues you and your soon to be partner haven’t discussed or won’t discuss?
Pre Wedding jitters, are just anxieties that come up because there is something going on that’s worth you paying attention. Maybe the two of you struggle at communication or working together as a team or listening to each other or balancing both of your needs? To help you solve this problem it’s a good idea to pay attention to whether or not your concerns and doubts revolve around your partner ‘s behaviour versus other temporary stressors that can impact your relationship.
Normal Pre Wedding Jitters
– Worried about the ceremony, all the attention, and all the people who will be there focused on YOU and your partner
– Worried your divorced parents or another difficult relative will not behave at your wedding
– Worried or overwhelmed by all the wedding planning and the costs
– Worried you’ll end up with a marriage like Mom or Dad
– Worried you’re not going to be a perfect spouse or partner
These are normal worries and I wouldn’t call off the wedding because of these worries. This gives you the opportunity to lean on your partner for support. Take the time to express your concerns and fears. If you need to take a break from all the wedding planning and focus on what is really important, your life together as a married couple, your commitment to each other, and your love for one another.
Talk to your partner about your fears and concerns that you might not be perfect all the time or end up like Mom or Dad. How do the two of you communicate and resolve problems? What do you like about your relationship and what makes it unique?
Red Flag Pre Wedding Jitters
Below are what I consider to be important warning signs to stop, address, and realize these issues won’t necessarily change without a lot of work. It doesn’t mean this is the end but you really need to address these issues and get answers to your questions and worries.
- Alcoholism, drug addiction, or engaging in illegal Behaviours
Get support for yourself from AA family or spouse groups. While these are serious issues you can have a good marriage if you both are take responsibility for your choices and behaviours. Do not fall into the trap of thinking “he or she will settle down or change once we’re married.” Unless your partner can see they have a problem change can’t happen.
Take the time to talk to someone who is not related to either your families about these issues, and how they impact you. Make sure to talked with someone who is unbiased.
- Any type of violence towards you, pets, his or her family
Violence is never OK. If there is violence, threats of violence, rage, uncontrollable anger, shaming, isolation, or controlling behaviour in your relationship, seek support and assistance of a therapist to better understand the dynamics of the abuse and why you choose to stay.
- Cheating or Infidelity
Finding out your partner is unfaithful to you and your relationship is devastating. Healing from betrayal, forgiving your partner does take a long time and is possible. Trust can be rebuilt and your relationship can be stronger after an affair or betrayal of your trust. It is not acceptable to just say this will never happen again and move on. The two of you need to figure out why this happened in your relationship. Seek support and assistance of a therapist together or individually to understand these issues in your relationship.
- Difficulty talking to your partner to be about difficult or hot topics
You might have trouble expressing yourself to your partner about issues like sex, your plans together as a couple, how to get along with their parents, wanting or not wanting children, saving money, traveling or our career ambitions.
It’s important to actually talk about these topics before you get married or even engaged so the 2 of you create a picture or plan for your marriage and future lives together. Many couples fail to discuss their overall plan before they get married because they either don’t know how to or because they already know there is a conflict and they don’t know how to find a resolution. Remember it’s a plan and plans can change but it’s important to agree on deal breakers like having kids or careers that involve lots of travel or frequent moves. You need to know what you can tolerate and what parts are just too much for you.
Remember it’s normal be to worried or overwhelmed by planning and orchestrating a wedding. It’s a lot of work. So if you’re worried about tripping when you walk down the aisle, the ring bearer losing the rings, the bride being late, mixing up your vows or your flowers wilting in the heat of the day, these are all normal pre wedding jitters. Take a deep breath and breathe. Yes there might be a few oops in the day but you’ll both do fine. Talk with your fiancé about your pre wedding jitters and ask for his or her support and reassurance. If you have concerns that you can’t claer up between you and your partner visit us at http://family-therapy.ca to speak with one of our therapists.